The Blarg predicts that shortly after this photo was taken, famous singer Tom Jones exploded. The exact cause of detonation is unclear, but his brain and other bodily parts were found strewn about.

If the above is incorrect, then the Blarg now predicts that Tom Jones very much needed to visit the restroom. In the event that Tom Jones was unable to find a restroom, he would then have preceeded to blow up, but obviously for different reasons than previously stated.

If both of those are incorrect (though the Blarg is not used to being incorrect) it is possible someone told him that his career is washed up, especially after that Mars Attacks movie he was in for no good reason.

RIP Tom Jones. I don’t care – 2005.

It has come to my attention that there is a serious problem with underwear labels. This doesn’t make sense.

Often times when adjourning to the restroom we find ourselves staying for extended periods of time. Whether due to necessity, relaxation, or sheer boredom, the reading of good literature is a great way to pass the time. Many people turn to a nice magazine as their reading material of choice. Some have even gone so far as to install miniature libraries of magazines in the form of a "rack" in their personal restrooms. Reading has become an important companion to the processes that take place in an excretory facility.

That being said, I think there is a key market that underwear manufacturers are not targeting: the person with no reading materials in a community stall. In a day and age when reading has become so closely tied to the above mentioned activity, why do underwear manufacturers persist in printing underwear labels in the same orientation that they have for years? I am sure that more than a handful of you are confused about what I am alluding to, so please let me clarify. When a person, both male and female, assumes a posture similar to sitting during the aforementioned activity, the orientation of an underwear label becomes such that it is upside down.

This poses quite a dilemma for the person lacking literature to pass the time. They must either assume a very awkward position to achieve a better view, or they must spend a great deal of time reading words that are upside down. If you were to also consider that these words may be printed in more than one language the task becomes astonishingly difficult.

If any underwear manufacturers are reading this, please reconsider the orientation in which you print your labels. I would also suggest that you include a slightly longer plot involving more characters. The story should of course contain what water and detergent I should use to clean them, but I find the way it is presented to be very one-dimensional. If you do implement any of my suggestions, you will of course owe me all your money. Thank you.

So I found this picture on Foxnews, and realized it was the perfect subject of my second "That Doesn’t Make Sense" column.

So I don’t know what’s going on here, but I think it’s pretty clear: George Bush is hanging out with some guy who thinks he’s Genghis Khan. First of all, the guy playing Genghis Khan is clearly Russian, not Philipino. Second, the guy on the right is waving the Romanian flag, and he’s wearing different colors than Genghis Khan. If they’re supposed to be mortal enemies, they don’t look like they’re in perpetual violence fighting for the survival of their tribe. Third, the girl to the left is wearing a metal bra.

Now for George Bush, he’s clearly trying to barter with Genghis. He is saying "If you let me join your dojo, do I get a cool horse like that? In turn I will trade you this schmuck behind me that can’t stop smiling about the metal bra joke." The guy playing Genghis Khan can’t stop laughing and he keeps muttering something about meeting James Bond. I think they are going to jump President Bush into their gang now.

Our society revolves around a time = money mindset. In order to be productive we need to effectively manage our time, which in turn leads to success (and possibly money). We spend a lot of resources becoming more effecient, but I see a glaring problem. Why are we wasting so much time sleeping?!

The average person sleeps about 7 hours a night. (Oh look, I just used real data, all the stuff I’m about to make up now has authority!) That’s almost a third of a day! That’s the equivalent of working two days, and then sleeping for a whole day. That’s like lopping 4 months off of the calendar! In my opinion this is a complete waste of time.

The only thing that happens during sleep is your brain makes serotonin and norepinephrine, whatever the heck those are (oh, more data, I almost sound like a scientist). Then there is a bunch of other dumb stuff like REM sleep and dreams, what a joke. I predict that scientists will start producing serotonin and that other junk in pill form. People will be able to take the pills instead of stupid sleeping. And who needs dreams, go watch a movie.

I think this will have a vast impact on our world. Now it won’t be special if a drug store is open 24 hours anymore, because everyone will be awake 24 hours a day. People will get made fun of for falling asleep like "haha, what an idiot, he fell asleep." Since people will be awake longer and use more energy, we will have to introduce a 4th meal to our day. I propose we call that meal "blarg." People will say things like "Timmy, that candy bar is going to ruin your blarg!"

**This is the first post in a recurring series entitled "The Blarg Predicts." You can find more information about this and other columns to the right.

I drove through a Carl’s Jr. yesterday and noticed a sign I see all too frequently: "No Walk-Ups Allowed." Usually I take my food and continue with my daily life, never stopping to consider the plight of those to whom this sign is directed. Could it be there is more than meets the eye behind a sign of this nature?

Consider the man on a motorcycle who is famished. After a long day at work driving on the highway all day like bikers do, stopping at random bars in the middle of nowhere with lots of other bikers, he finally returns home. On his way he decides to stop at a fast food restaurant for a quick bite. He pulls up, orders, gets his food, and is on his merry way. But here is the point: With a quick swing of his leg, wouldn’t he be "walking"?

I can only come to one conclusion: Fast food restaurants are predjudiced against people that walk. "Hey, if you were sitting on something that had wheels on it, we would give you food, but you’re not, you are walking." Sometimes they cover this up by claiming it is for your safety, but I see through that lie. What about the man on a moped, I bet they would serve him, yet he is no safer than a walker, is he? This is not about safety at all, but about mode of transportation. Fast food chains are out to discriminate against the transportationally challenged. "If you use your legs to get around, do not come down this funny alley on the side, you must go inside."

**This is the first post in a recurring series entitled "That Doesn’t Make Sense." You can find more information about this and other columns to the right.