It’s been awhile, but I’ve got a good one!

Obama: Ahhh! My neck doesn’t bend!
Hillary: Dearest Jesus, please give us National Healthcare to help Obama.
Biden: Crap, is that marinara?

It’s been awhile since my last picture captioning, but I saw this and couldn’t resist. It’s also a nice light-hearted post before the election. This is Mark Mulder of the St. Louis Cardinals from a couple months ago after he had surgery. I think there are a lot of places you could go with this one.

There is a very strange phenomenon occuring at the Subway on Florence and Paramount. For whatever reason the dumbest people on the planet are drawn to this place of employment. Making a sandwich shouldn’t be that difficult. You take bread and put stuff on it. But if you’ve ever been to this Subway I’m talking about, you would think they’re constructing a nuclear bomb they make it look so hard. Here are some examples of the idiotic things I’ve seen:

• After the "artist" placed the cheese on my sandwich he said "Is that it?" What the crap are you asking me! Use less pronouns and be a little more clear on what you mean by "it"! Apparently he wondered if I wanted anymore sandwiches.
• Because I’m not physically on the other side of the counter making the sandwich, it is very important that I have clear communication with the person who is making the sandwich. Today a girl pointed at the bell peppers, and instead of verbally communicating, she simply raised her eyebrows. Hellooooo, a simple "bell peppers?" would work a LOT better than forcing me to read your mind.
• The other week a gentleman in front of me had to tell the cashier how to do her job. Instead of handing him his cup by grasping the outside, she put her thumb on the outside and put her fingers INSIDE the cup! Her nasty fingers were rubbing against the inside of this man’s cup, and he had to point it out to her!

While I think the overpaid minimum wage workers are part of the problem, I believe there are two other areas that need to be addressed. The management clearly sucks because the employee turnover is horrendous. Every time I walk in there are new people working. I remember a couple years back there were a bunch of girls that worked there, and they knew what they were doing. But now there is a different buffoon working there every week. The other main problem is the pathetic assembly line setup they use. By the time your sandwich is done about 10 people have worked on it! One idiot asks you what kind of bread, another asks what type of cheese, another if you want it toasted, someone else what toppings you want, and then the cashier has to ask you, the customer, what kind of sandwiches they are. Go back to the old school way where one person made the whole sandwich!

The picture alone isn’t that funny, but I think when paired with this news story, it’s a little funny. The guy just had serious surgery and the picture of him on the news story is totally goofy. The surgery was a success, so it’s ok to have fun at his expense.

Update: I actually read the article just now and realized he wasn’t wearing a helmet (good one!) That’s another tidbit to get your creative juices flowing. And he might not have a license either!

Sometimes a picture is funny and just begs for a funny caption. In come you guys. If this is fun I’ll make it a recurring "column" (which if you’ve noticed my others aren’t very recurring, oh well).

Below is a picture of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the crazy and psychotic (one crazy term wouldn’t be enough) leader of Iran. Be creative and semi-decent please.

Sauce packet goo is very rare and has an unknown origin. Rivaling bigfoot and the abominable snowman, the gooey sauce packet borders on myth.

Sauce packets of all varieties, from ketchup to taco sauce, are occasionally plagued by this weird substance. Why would a self-contained packet be covered by a strange amber colorerd goo? Since it is such a rare specimen, there is little documented proof of its existence. It strikes without notice, horrifying unsuspecting sauce packet lovers upon their grab for sauce. Though unverified, there have even been accounts where the goo existed in amounts large enough to make several sauce packets stick together!

Where this goo comes from and what its purpose is we may never know. Has anyone else sighted this freak of nature?

The Blarg predicts that in the near future motorists without a functioning third brake light will be dragged from their cars and beaten in the streets.

There is mounting frustration among the general public regarding people who fail to fix their third brake light. After thousands of near miss rear ends, people are fed up with "no third brake light" people. Similar to the caste system of India, no third brake light people will soon be regarded as lesser members of society. People will gather in the streets with chants of "Death to two brake light scum!" Politicians will soon rally around the cause of the Militia for Third Brake Lights, a vigilante organization that patrols the streets taking justice into their own hands. People without third brake lights will find their cars impounded and will be forced to ride the metro.

There is overwhelming evidence that a shift in public opinion is imminent. I warn those of you without a functioning third brake light: time is running out.

The Blarg predicts that shortly after this photo was taken, famous singer Tom Jones exploded. The exact cause of detonation is unclear, but his brain and other bodily parts were found strewn about.

If the above is incorrect, then the Blarg now predicts that Tom Jones very much needed to visit the restroom. In the event that Tom Jones was unable to find a restroom, he would then have preceeded to blow up, but obviously for different reasons than previously stated.

If both of those are incorrect (though the Blarg is not used to being incorrect) it is possible someone told him that his career is washed up, especially after that Mars Attacks movie he was in for no good reason.

RIP Tom Jones. I don’t care – 2005.