Not to push my other post down so quickly, but when you’ve got it, you’ve got it.

If you run down the street pushing a baby stroller, you look like you’re exercising.

On the other hand…

If you run down the street holding a baby, it looks like you stole it.

It’s been awhile since my last picture captioning, but I saw this and couldn’t resist. It’s also a nice light-hearted post before the election. This is Mark Mulder of the St. Louis Cardinals from a couple months ago after he had surgery. I think there are a lot of places you could go with this one.

The picture alone isn’t that funny, but I think when paired with this news story, it’s a little funny. The guy just had serious surgery and the picture of him on the news story is totally goofy. The surgery was a success, so it’s ok to have fun at his expense.

Update: I actually read the article just now and realized he wasn’t wearing a helmet (good one!) That’s another tidbit to get your creative juices flowing. And he might not have a license either!

Sometimes a picture is funny and just begs for a funny caption. In come you guys. If this is fun I’ll make it a recurring "column" (which if you’ve noticed my others aren’t very recurring, oh well).

Below is a picture of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the crazy and psychotic (one crazy term wouldn’t be enough) leader of Iran. Be creative and semi-decent please.

Sauce packet goo is very rare and has an unknown origin. Rivaling bigfoot and the abominable snowman, the gooey sauce packet borders on myth.

Sauce packets of all varieties, from ketchup to taco sauce, are occasionally plagued by this weird substance. Why would a self-contained packet be covered by a strange amber colorerd goo? Since it is such a rare specimen, there is little documented proof of its existence. It strikes without notice, horrifying unsuspecting sauce packet lovers upon their grab for sauce. Though unverified, there have even been accounts where the goo existed in amounts large enough to make several sauce packets stick together!

Where this goo comes from and what its purpose is we may never know. Has anyone else sighted this freak of nature?

The Blarg predicts that shortly after this photo was taken, famous singer Tom Jones exploded. The exact cause of detonation is unclear, but his brain and other bodily parts were found strewn about.

If the above is incorrect, then the Blarg now predicts that Tom Jones very much needed to visit the restroom. In the event that Tom Jones was unable to find a restroom, he would then have preceeded to blow up, but obviously for different reasons than previously stated.

If both of those are incorrect (though the Blarg is not used to being incorrect) it is possible someone told him that his career is washed up, especially after that Mars Attacks movie he was in for no good reason.

RIP Tom Jones. I don’t care – 2005.

So I found this picture on Foxnews, and realized it was the perfect subject of my second "That Doesn’t Make Sense" column.

So I don’t know what’s going on here, but I think it’s pretty clear: George Bush is hanging out with some guy who thinks he’s Genghis Khan. First of all, the guy playing Genghis Khan is clearly Russian, not Philipino. Second, the guy on the right is waving the Romanian flag, and he’s wearing different colors than Genghis Khan. If they’re supposed to be mortal enemies, they don’t look like they’re in perpetual violence fighting for the survival of their tribe. Third, the girl to the left is wearing a metal bra.

Now for George Bush, he’s clearly trying to barter with Genghis. He is saying "If you let me join your dojo, do I get a cool horse like that? In turn I will trade you this schmuck behind me that can’t stop smiling about the metal bra joke." The guy playing Genghis Khan can’t stop laughing and he keeps muttering something about meeting James Bond. I think they are going to jump President Bush into their gang now.

Our society revolves around a time = money mindset. In order to be productive we need to effectively manage our time, which in turn leads to success (and possibly money). We spend a lot of resources becoming more effecient, but I see a glaring problem. Why are we wasting so much time sleeping?!

The average person sleeps about 7 hours a night. (Oh look, I just used real data, all the stuff I’m about to make up now has authority!) That’s almost a third of a day! That’s the equivalent of working two days, and then sleeping for a whole day. That’s like lopping 4 months off of the calendar! In my opinion this is a complete waste of time.

The only thing that happens during sleep is your brain makes serotonin and norepinephrine, whatever the heck those are (oh, more data, I almost sound like a scientist). Then there is a bunch of other dumb stuff like REM sleep and dreams, what a joke. I predict that scientists will start producing serotonin and that other junk in pill form. People will be able to take the pills instead of stupid sleeping. And who needs dreams, go watch a movie.

I think this will have a vast impact on our world. Now it won’t be special if a drug store is open 24 hours anymore, because everyone will be awake 24 hours a day. People will get made fun of for falling asleep like "haha, what an idiot, he fell asleep." Since people will be awake longer and use more energy, we will have to introduce a 4th meal to our day. I propose we call that meal "blarg." People will say things like "Timmy, that candy bar is going to ruin your blarg!"

**This is the first post in a recurring series entitled "The Blarg Predicts." You can find more information about this and other columns to the right.