A new local crisis is threatening to burst onto the national headlines. Only 96 black students have been accepted for the incoming class of freshmen this year at UCLA. *gasp* The horror! I know it’s shocking, and it would be easier to turn a blind eye to such a tragedy in the making, but I think you owe it to yourself to keep reading.

You should be outraged that only 2% of the incoming freshmen have black skin! Only 2%! You might be wondering, well what is an appropriate percentage? Actually, that is a stupid question. Asking that question is ridiculous, and the only proper action is to bitch and whine that blacks are underrepresented! Nevermind that Asians/Filipinos will make up 41% of the incoming class. There is no way Asians worked hard to achieve that goal. It would be a total waste of time to applaud them for that achievement. Instead you should be running around like a crazy person yelling "only two percent!?! Ahhhhhh!!!!"

There are obvious reasons of course for this 2% fiasco. Black people only live in the ghetto, and everyone knows that the only thing happening in the ghetto is drugs and sex and killing each other. Nobody does homework in the ghetto! You can’t, it’s impossible. No one can overcome anything these days. Obviously the only one to blame in the ghetto is the sucky teachers and the evil people that made the ghetto, well, ghettoey (I bet they were white).

The 96 blacks going to UCLA shouldn’t be applauded for their achievements. Instead we should only be raising hell for the missing percent of nameless black people that will not be attending UCLA this fall.